Deeper Devotional

Life at peace
Read Romans 12:18; James 3:9-11; Psalm 64:1-10
What does it mean to “live at peace with everybody?” What it does not mean is that I cannot have a contrary opinion, or that I never have the opportunity to express my views, or that I must do everything possible not to rock the boat in the family.

It does mean that I cannot carry hatred against someone and that I must not try to breed dissension toward another. (Proverb 10:12) When I seek to bring dissension it does not merely mean that I disagree with someone. Rather I seek to bring dissension for the purpose of seeing two people argue or fight. My purpose is to bring pain and turmoil into the life of another. I may bring dissension for the purpose of punishing or getting back at someone. Bitterness comes from the heart. (Proverbs 14:10)

So what is the opposite to all this. It is the love of Christ. Before we can put away bitterness we must know what it is like to be truly loved. We can love because Christ first loved us. (1John 4:19) If we are struggling with anger and bitterness it is imperative that we enter into God’s love. We must seek to enter into and experience first hand that love that He has for us.

As you pray today, seek to enter into His love. Know that He loves and accepts you. Pray that He will reveal himself and His love for you. Take time to write down a list of all that ways that Christ has manifested His love toward you already. Pray that He might bring theses occasions to mind.

Unity – Working to Build a Family
Read Ephesians 4:1-3
Unity – or agreement – has been a huge theme in our family life. Oftentimes, without quite realizing it, we’ve been working at unity, and sometimes we knew we were working at it. Looking back on our almost-29 years of marriage we see clearly, in retrospect, how unity has been an enormous treasure in our lives, and whatever investments we’ve made towards unity have been more than worth it.

We’d like to revisit Ephesians 4:2-3, because Paul’s insights on unity seem so relevant . . . Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. We love the “make every effort” phrase because unity takes work. While the work, at times or in certain seasons, may be difficult, it’s also true that oftentimes working at unity is fun! We think of family activities like “game night” or going to the beach together. When we were younger, we simply took it on faith that all those investments in family unity would pay off over time. Have they ever!

The key, however, to “making every effort” (verse 3) may well be the previous verse (verse 2) . . . be completely humble and gentle, be patient, bearing with one another in love. Humility, gentleness, and patience aren’t only character qualities; they are the building blocks of unity. Families that are abrupt, harsh, or demanding with one another are fractured families and so are spiritually vulnerable. On the other side of the coin, families that are committed to treating one another as the Bible instructs us to are families that are rich in love and, therefore, unity. Notice the Bible uses the word “completely” when it comes to humility, gentleness, and patience. Sure, we’ll drop the ball sometimes, but the standard never changes, and we strive for the “completely.”

In putting verses 2 and 3 into action, two keys for us as we have raised our kids have been (1) tone of voice and (2) focused attention. The words themselves may not be objectionable, but if the tone of voice carries irritation or anger we know we’re not walking in the Spirit of love. Psychologists tell us that tone of voice – and other non-verbals such as body language – mean more than the words themselves. We try to pay attention to our own tones of voice . . . and have always done the same with the kids. “How” we talk to each other is every bit as important as what we say. Maybe even more so.

Regarding focused attention . . . we have always tried not to be distracted while parenting. Sure, sometimes we’re busy and things just need to get done. Sometimes, more than anything, you’re exhausted and just need to get to sleep. But, the demands of life notwithstanding, we have tried to remind ourselves constantly that the child immediately in front of us is the real work of God. Even if it’s not always possible to do so, our goal has been to give our kids a steady diet of mom and dad’s full attention. Reading, playing games, hobbies, family trips, school work . . . these are all key moments wherein the real work that’s going on is building unity in our family by building relationships. Isn’t focused attention what God gives us?

Part of the ethos of our age seems to be that family can be a part-time commitment in life. We don’t think so. While there is work to be done and things to be accomplished, still family is one of the most important things that most of us will ever do. After our individual walk with Christ, family is number one. We urge you to give your best to one another and your kids, not merely the leftovers of life. Your kids will be the beneficiaries as the unity automatically builds. One of the things our age desperately needs is strong parent-child relationships and strong marriages as real life pictures of God’s love and faithfulness to mankind.

Nate and Helen Atwood

Unity, Community, & Hope for the Single Parent
Unity—the whole idea seems like an oxymoron in the face of divorce, but there are some things a single parent can do to foster a sense of family unity in spite of brokenness.

1 Timothy 2:1-2 tells us to pray for others so that we may “live peaceful and quiet lives.” It’s easy to remember to pray for our kids, but pray also for your former spouse, that God would impart wisdom, blessing and a spirit of cooperation as you continue to parent together. You are no longer partners in marriage, but you will always be partners in parenting. You need God’s help to do that well.

Exodus 20:12 instructs children to honor their parents. You can help your kids do this by encouraging them to build their own healthy relationship with their other parent. My boys have done that, and their appreciation and respect for their dad has only grown over time, which is good for him and for them. Your kids are not divorced from either of you, and they need you both.

Romans 13:7 and 1 Peter 2:17 command us to respect and honor authorities, and this was written when Nero was emperor! You might feel like you were married to Nero, but keep your comments about your former spouse positive. I haven’t always been successful at this, but it wounds our kids to hear our tirades about their other parent. If you need to vent, do it with a counselor or with the Lord, and the Holy Spirit will bring healing.

1 Peter 2:15 says that our “honorable lives” will silence those who bring accusations against us. Don’t concern yourself with what your ex-spouse might be saying about you. Trust your kids to know the truth by the way you live your life in front of them. Kids are more discerning than we give them credit for, and your kids will be drawn to the light of Jesus in your life.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5 describes what love looks like. It shows itself in patience and kindness, and is never self-seeking. I’ve really tried to never put my kids in the position of choosing one of us over the other. Kids should be free to choose and sometimes they will, but it’s an agonizing decision for them because they love you both. One example that’s been a blessing for our family is sharing holiday celebrations. Except for one Thanksgiving when we were out of town, we’ve continued to have holidays at my house and their dad has always been invited. That hasn’t always been easy for me, but it’s been worth it for all of us to continue to share family traditions.

But the wisdom from above is first of all pure. It is also peace loving, gentle at all times, and willing to yield to others. It is full of mercy and good deeds. It shows no favoritism and is always sincere. And those who are peacemakers will plant seeds of peace and reap a harvest of righteousness. ~ James 3:17-18

Community is important to every family, but to the broken family, it’s vital. Jesus’ own family had a healthy sense of community. In Luke 2:44, we read that, returning home from Passover in Jerusalem, Mary and Joseph journeyed for an entire day with their friends and relatives before realizing that Jesus wasn’t with them. That’s a strong sense of trust in their “extended” family—community. KPC has been that “extended” family for us. We’ve been involved in Boy Scouts, Crossfire, worship teams, children’s ministry, the puppet team, and mission trips. My boys have had many outstanding mentors and role models over the years, for which I am very grateful because I can’t substitute for a dad.

One thing that’s key to developing that sense of family is your own participation as a parent. You cannot just drop your kids off at the front door and expect them to feel that the church is home. It becomes home as you participate with them in the life of the church. That can sometimes mean a lot of work for you, but the pay-off is priceless. There is nothing more rewarding than being there to see your kids grow “in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men” (Luke 2:52).

Among the many activities we’ve participated in together is Crossfire Family Camp. That’s not family time in terms of just the three of us, but it is “extended” family time as the boys hang out with their friends and I spend time with the parents. I not only know my kids’ friends but I know their parents, and we’re all “there” for each other. We’ve all built relationships that will last for a lifetime—priceless.

God can and will work through our brokenness to bring unity and a renewed sense of family. His words to us are full of hope:

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. (Romans 8:28)

And though you started with little, you will end with much. (Job 8:7)

Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing as they return with the harvest. (Psalm 126:5-6)

And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” (Revelation 21:5)

Unity of Purpose
Read Matthew 18:19-20

For some parents the most difficult decision they have to make for the family is how to discipline their children. Depending on how each parent was raised, one may be more permissive or more demanding than the other. A parents who views their spouse as being too harsh may try to interject themselves between their spouse and their children — believing that they somehow need to protect the children from their spouse’s harshness. In cases of abuse, this may be necessary and additional outside help should be sought.

But, in many cases, the intervention of one parent standing in opposition to the discipline of the other spouse only serves to escalate the anger of the spouse. In addition, it sends a message to children that they are some how justified and the word of the disciplining parent can be ignored. It also teaches children that they can pit one parent against the other.

If there is no immediate danger, it often works better to allow the parent who is attempting to discipline the child to complete the discipline and then discuss the event afterwards, apart from the presence of the child.

It is always important for parents to have regular times together where they discuss their goals for the children and how best to achieve those goals. What are the lessons that you want them to learn? What are the behaviors that you are trying to change? Learn how to brainstorm a variety of solutions and then choose some that you want to try. Come back at a later time to discuss what worked and what did not. The idea is to work as a team.

Children respond more quickly and more positively when they know that their parents are united on an issue. Our verse today speaks of unity together as you seek the help of God. This is particularly true for parents. Praying together and often for your children is an important habit to develop.

As you pray today, pray together for the Lord’s guidance. Pray for His wisdom. Imagine how He might deal with your child to address the problem. Consider how you might need to respond differently. Do you deal with your children in anger? Do you find yourself losing control?

Unity of Righteousness
Read Genesis 7:1; 1 Samuel 24:17; Job 17:9; Proverbs 2:20-22; 3:33; 4:18; 9:9; 10:9, 16; 16:7; Psalm 1:6; 5:12; 1 John 3:7
There were people in the Bible who were described as righteous. They were not perfect or sinless, but they sought to walk in obedience before the Lord, and they were people of faith. They believed God.

As parents, we want to train our children to do what is right in the eyes of God. We do this best by the example we set. We always tell the truth. We deal honestly with people. We treat others with grace and mercy. We speak well of other people.
I learned all this from an uncle that I grew up with. He was a person who’d make a special trip to the grocery store to return money if the cashier happened to give him back too much change. So, when my oldest daughter came to me to report that the restaurant employer she worked for had overpaid her for her tips one month, the decision as to what to do was obvious. She learned a valuable lesson when her boss expressed his amazement at her honesty.

How we live life before our children is critical. We have heard that, what we live with, we learn. What we learn we practice, and what we practice we become. “Do what I say, not what I do,” does not work. It is in fact very destructive in the lives of our children.

How do you live life before your children? As you pray today, seek to be aware of the lessons you’re teaching your children through your life.

Unity of a Loving Relationship
Read John 17:21; John 10:30

In our reading today we see Christ’s references to His loving relationship with God the Father. In every way He sought to be obedient to the Father out of the Father’s great love for Him and His great lover for the Father (John 5:30). Too often we are a people who seek after God only for what He can do for us. We do not seek God because of who He is. Jesus was perfectly obedient in the context of a loving relationship.

As parents we can learn much from Jesus’ example and His relationship with the Father. Too often we seek compliance from our children, thinking that this will guarantee their success as adults. Obedience is an important lesson to learn, but too often we neglect building a relationship with our children which develops character. Our only time spent with them is correcting them. This week Helen Atwood asked the question, “As parents, do we function as policemen or as cheerleaders?” Can we catch our children doing something right and affirm their actions? Have we spent enough time with our children and do we know them well enough to affirm their character qualities?

Each child is uniquely gifted by God with certain character qualities. My wife and I had a “wakeup call” when one day our middle daughter said, “My older sister is smart and my younger brother is cute, but I don’t know where I fit into this family.” From that day forward we began to look at what was unique about her and sought to encourage her in her gifts. And it was exciting to see how she blossomed.

Studies show that left to themselves children will slip into one of four roles in the family. One child will be the supper achiever and excel either academically or in sports. One will adopt the role of the black sheep and will rebel (not willing to compete with the super achiever). One will serve as the lost child and disappear from the consciousness awareness of the rest of the family (“Where’s Johnny? I don’t know. He’s around here somewhere.”) And one will serve as the “little darling” (often the youngest child).

But when parents seek to give individual attention and encourage the potential of each child, these categories tend to disappear. It takes the time and work of both parents. It takes the unity of both parents working together, working to focus on and build unique relationships with each child.

As you pray for your children today, pray for understanding about how you can affirm them and how you can build your relationship with them.